Avengers | Infinity War: CGI showcase with jokes

I’m a casual Marvel movie watcher, which means I enjoy the ride, but I don’t concern myself with overarching storylines or the ‘Phases’ as Marvel likes to call them. So when Avengers | Infinity War starts, I’m a bit confused.

There’s this big purple guy called Thanos, and he comes out of the computer. He’s animated, and he’s far from the only one in this movie. Thanos is the personification of masculinity, basically. Huge muscles, huge jawline, huge chin – albeit a bit wrinkly. He and his posse of animated friends, are fighting against Thor, Loki and Hulk.

Wait. I remember watching Thor Ragnarok and Black Panther, but I don’t remember any Thanos action. How did these guys end up together? Did I miss something? After this opening scene I expected something like ’48 hours ago’ to appear, but that never came. Okay, fine. I never like it when they do that anyway.

So then a big space ship in the shape of a donut crashes on earth, a block away from where Tony Stark and Dr. Strange are cracking jokes about ice cream. Thanos’ goons are stepping out, and one of them is The Wizard. I really didn’t like this character, because he looks exactly like a leftover animation from the Star Wars prequels. Speaking of which: the new superhero movies are rapidly closing the gap between Action Movies With A Superhero In Them and the aforementioned Star Wars.

Avengers | Infinity War is everything Star Wars movies should’ve been.

Anyway, The Wizard quickly gets schooled, thankfully. Iron Man, Dr. Strange and Spider-Man are hitching a ride on the donut, meet up with the Guardians of the Galaxy, because everybody’s in this movie. I mean EVERYBODY.

Except Jeremy Renner. Wasn’t he an Avenger too? Did he die somewhere along the way and nobody cared?

Maybe that’s why there are so many CGI characters: all real actors were already in it. Now, as much as I hated The Wizard, there’s no one I hated more than Mark Ruffalo’s performance. He ruins every scene he’s in. Not funny. No timing. Annoying. He’s horrible. I know he has many fans, but I’d much rather see Edward Norton or even Eric Bana in the role.

Anyway, all superheroes imaginable hook up, fight Thanos, Thanos dies, Thanos lives, Thanos dies, Thanos lives, over and over again. That sounds pretty lame, and it is – from a story standpoint – however: it all looks so damn good. They use every trick in the CGI handbook. Best moment in the movie, for me personally, came from Dr. Strange, when he grows a few extra limbs and then multiplies himself. Absolutely awesome.

The fictional African kingdom Wakanda is also in the movie, when Black Panther makes the idiotic decision to turn off the shield/dome and let in Thanos’ space hounds. These hounds look very similar to the ones in A Quiet Place. Maybe if the Avengers just shut their mouths and got real quiet, they would’ve been fine.

The movie’s paced very well. The editing is very well done. It’s clear where everybody is, even though there are a lot of different locations and planets thrown into the mix. The jokes are pretty funny – especially in the hands of Chris Pratt, but the overall tone of the movie is a bit grim. From the very first moment, Avengers | Infinity War doesn’t want to go the Ragnarok route. This is serious business.

Thanos tries to get the ‘infinity stones’ to wear on his golden glove, so he can do… what exactly? And why? Destroy half of the universe, you say? Because there aren’t enough resources for everyone? Well, that’s a load of bullocks right there. And what do these stones do, I mean precisely? O, we don’t know? It’s just an excuse to do all sorts of cool computer trickery? Okay, fine.

In a nutshell, that’s what Avengers | Infinity War is: a showcase of what Hollywood can dream up using CGI. And that’s pretty cool. There are moments when you don’t believe your eyes. The story is pretty, pretty thin. But there are some good jokes along the way.

It’s a cool movie. Nothing more, nothing less.

Jurassic World 2: Just as bad as the last one

Jurassic World 2, AKA Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, AKA Jurassic Park 5, AKA Running From Dinosaurs Again and Again and Again hit the screens this summer, and it’s just as terribly conceived as the instalment that came before.

Yes, we’re back on Isla Nublar, and it’s about to explode. Literately. The volcano (is there an active volcano on the island? Hammond knew about this?) is smoking, ready to pop. There are no people on the island, just dinosaurs. Thousands of miles away, there’s some kind of hearing going on. Should the American government save the dinosaurs? Here to present the case for just letting them all die: Dr. Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum).

The conversation goes something like this:
‘So, Doctor Malcolm, what’s your take on this explosive situation?’
‘Life finds a way.’
‘You’re making up your lines as you go, aren’t you?’
‘No no, not at all. Life. Life finds a way. Like raindrops on your hands.’
‘I don’t understand. Can you be a little more specific?’
‘Life. Way. Chaos theory 101. By the way, do you like my new beard?’

Meanwhile, we catch up with Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard). When we first met her, she was a corporate cutthroat I’ll-do-anything-to-make-more-money kind of girl, who was crossing all kinds of ethical lines. Now, she’s an environmentalist. A dino-activist who shows up at work late.

She’s tricked into going back to the island with Owen (Chris Pratt) by Babyface Man (Rafe Spall). Spall looks like Pauly Shore with a George Clooney haircut. Owen is crucial to Babyface Man’s nefarious plan, because he’s the only one who can communicate with Blue, his pet-raptor.

At least, that’s what I think Babyface Man’s plan is, but it sounds so ridiculous that I can’t be sure.

Anyway, this is a Jurassic movie, so Claire and Owen can’t go on adventure by themselves; they need to take a couple of kids with them. Checkbox ‘annoying kids’ check check double checked. Contrary to Jurassic World 1, these new kids are supersmart. They have all kinds of degrees, tattoos and idiotic glasses. They’re also very sarcastic, because that’s what the target audience loves: cocky teenagers with no story arc whatsoever.

So, Claire, Owen, Kid 1, Kid 2 and a military officer travel to Isla Nublar to find Blue. They quickly do. So quickly, in fact, that there doesn’t seem to be any benefit to having dragged Owen along with them.

But it gets weirder: the military officer and his men (who were already catching dinosaurs on the island left and right, putting them in cages) shoot Owen with a tranquillizer gun and leave him for dead. Because… O, they’re bad people. Right. They’re not just soldiers, they’re mean soldiers.

However, Claire, Owen and the kids escape, find a truck, and while the island is blowing up around them, drive towards the boat. They barely make it. Strange things is: nobody else on the boat seems to notice they get on it.

They travel in secret to the destination: Babyface Man’s mansion. Below his enormous house, which officially belongs to an old friend of Hammond’s, Benjamin Lockwood (James Cromwell), he’s made a sort of Dino-Alcatraz. All without Lockwood knowing he did it. Lockwood’s in a wheelchair, but he’s not blind or deaf. So am I to believe that a huge construction crew that Babyface Man hired, did all the work in secret? Right underneath the house?

No way.

In the basement Babyface Man puts in all the dinosaurs they’ve caught, to auction them off later to rich people from all over the world.

Claire and Owen get caught, escape, get chased by another genetically manufactured dinosaur – a grey one, with yellow accents. Ultimately, Blue saves them, Lookwood’s granddaughter (the third kid in the movie) sets the other dinosaurs free, the bad rich people get eaten. The end.

O, and there’s a very awkward kiss between Claire and Owen. Nope, they still don’t have any chemistry.

I kind of liked the first Jurassic World, but the movie hasn’t aged well. I used to be pleasantly surprised by all the easter eggies from Jurassic Park, but once you focus on everything else, it’s a mess. There’s no love, no soul in there. Same goes for Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom.

I assume the reason is: money. The studio picks a couple of writers and says: we want the sequel to have this, and this, and this, and this, and this. And don’t worry, the budget is gonna be huge.

Then the writers come up with a story that hits all the notes, but there’s no love. I’m positive they have no pride in the script they delivered. So it was doomed at the start. And although it’s a fast-paced movie, and you don’t get bored, it’s a creative failure.

Why The Oscar Nominees Keep Being White

White, caucasian, however you want to call them, the Oscar nominees this year are once again pretty light skinned. Is it a Hollywood conspiracy of 60-something white men in tuxedos? Is it because there aren’t enough talented black actors? Is there something else going on?

Big White Persian Cat
Let’s start at the beginning. Hollywood is not a place of creativity, but of business. Movie studios are in it for the money. The best way to force their hands, make them allow you to try something truly original, is to become a critically acclaimed director. Quentin Tarantino. Christopher Nolan. Alejandro G. Iñárritu. Steven Spielberg. Terry Gilliam. Terrence Malick. J.J. Abrams. Darren Aronofsky. Danny Boyle. Cameron. Kubrick. Woody. Lynch. Coen. They’re making movies (and most importantly, a profit) that people will go and see, no matter who’s in them. But they’re exceptions to the rule, and the way businesses operate is simple. There’s an old guy in a suit, in an office on the top floor, stroking his big white Persian cat on his lap. He’s president of the company, and because he’s a white middle-aged man, it’s easy to predict what his employees look like. And the employees being hired by his employees, and so forth.

Attraction
Is that racism? That’s not the question you want to ask. People are attracted to other people who look like they do. There’ve been lots of studies that show and explain this, like this one. Attraction, familiarity, trust and being able to quickly assess somebody you’ve just met, are very important elements in establishing friendships, falling in love and also job interviews. The quicker you can read certain people, the bigger chance they’ll have of getting hired by you. So it’s not really a surprise that The Academy is full of people who look like each other and are of about the same age.

Professional Expertise
If those Academy members vote, it’s also no surprise they’re more inclined to vote for actors (and actresses) who look similar to them. Because, if their skin color, type of hair and even eye color, matches to theirs, it’s easier to identify with the person on screen. It doesn’t mean a white man can’t identify with a black actor, it just means the identification process moves slower and they should be aware of that, so it doesn’t play a role anymore. I think we can all agree that this shouldn’t even be an issue, since members of the Academy shouldn’t vote with their first impulse, but with their professional expertise. It’s about who’s done the better job, although comparing acting performances remains very apples & oranges.

Idris Elba Would’ve Survived Too
The professionalism of The Academy can certainly be disputed. Most members don’t even watch all of the movies on the longlist, and really, do more than a handful of them even know how to judge ‘sound mixing’? Or ‘original song’? You can leave that box empty, I suppose. Anyway, let’s come full circle here. The question is not why actors with a slightly darker skin tone aren’t nominated. It is why weren’t they chosen to star in the movies that were. I’m sure Denzel Washington would’ve done a terrific job, exchanging prisoners during the Cold War, in Bridge of Spies. I’m sure we could’ve left Idris Elba on Mars and he would’ve survived, too, in The Martian. I’m sure Don Cheadle could’ve worn a horse for a coat in The Revenant. I’m sure Ving Rhames could’ve bet against the economy in The Big Short. So why didn’t they? Well, money. Whether it’s true or not, Hollywood is convinced a black leading man doesn’t bring in as much money as a white one.

Compton, Creed, Concussion
So because the studios are hiring people who look similar, and because they prefer white actors for financial reasons, there are two options to bring black actors and directors to the forefront (and into the list of nominees). First: make a damn good movie, and second: get lucky. Straight Outta Compton didn’t. Michael B. Jordan (Creed) didn’t and neither did Will Smith (Concussion). Did Jordan and Smith deserve to be nominated? And whose places would they take? Cranston, Damon, DiCaprio, Fassbender or Redmayne’s? Personally, if I may call upon my own (un)professional expertise, I’d say the Academy nominated the right ones. When it comes to Straight Outta Compton, I don’t get it. There are two spots left open in the Best Picture category, and F. Gary Gray (together with Quentin Tarantino) should’ve been recognized in the Directing category. If I had to guess, the reason why Compton was overlooked (or snubbed), is because most members of the Academy just never saw the film.

Subconscious Illiteracy
Academy president Cheryl Boone has issued a statement this week, saying they’ll shake up the ‘membership recruitment’, to get ‘much-needed diversity’. That sounds like Boone expects new, black members to vote for black actors and directors, doesn’t it? It sounds like voting on impulse, when it should be voting on professionalism (and actually watching the movies, people). The lack of diversity at the Academy and movie studios is a problem, not because of the absence of black Oscar nominees, but because people are attracted to their mirror images and aren’t aware of it. People – especially the ones in positions where they cast and hire people – should be made aware how they’re influenced by their subconscious. It’s only then, when you realize what your decision is based on, that you can change it. Ethnic profiling – which is basically what Boone is planning for the way new members will be recruited in the future – is not the solution. Not including enough diversity isn’t due to racism, it’s due to subconscious illiteracy.